Postby gamma498 » Tue Sep 28, 2010 8:13 pm

How's about a few jokes to keep people amused? If you've got any good ones, post 'em in here! here's one to start:
The Little Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,

When he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders Hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look... 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the Firefighter said with admiration..

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The Firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want
to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
Then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2008 3:53 am


Postby gamma498 » Tue Sep 28, 2010 8:14 pm

by gamma498 on Tue Sep 14, 2010 8:16 am

An Australian ventriloquist visiting

New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) - 'The sheep's a f*****' liar
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2008 3:53 am


Postby gamma498 » Tue Sep 28, 2010 8:50 pm

took me old aunty out the other day,when we came out of her room at the nursing home with her in her wheel chair to go down in the lift the old bloke from the room next door comes out with a plastic coppers helmet on and shouts "Halt!...can I see your driving licence!"she humours him and gives him a library card,"ok thats fine on your way" says the old boy,when we get out of the lift he's beaten us down the stairs and demands to see an mot certificate,the old dear gives him a bus ticket,he studies it and gives us the thumbs up...after a day round town we get out of the lift on the way back to her room and the old bloke turns up again,still with the police mans helmet on but this time bollock aunty sighs and says "oh no,not the breathaliser again!"
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2008 3:53 am


Postby gamma498 » Tue Sep 28, 2010 8:52 pm

by gamma498 on Wed May 05, 2010 1:24 pm

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: ' $ 90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $ 980,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
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Joined: Sun May 04, 2008 3:53 am

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